Perhaps I am having a midlife crisis, or maybe it's more of an awakening. I have been really going deep lately and I have come to terms with the fact that my life is changing. Rather, I am changing.
I used to be a a different person, before being someones wife and mother kicked the crap out of me. I was independent. I was funny, I was able to accomplish whatever I set my mind to. I have spend the last 11 years trying to get my mojo back, trying to find that person who used to be in there. I don't want to be the person I am right now.
I tried explaining this to the person I am married to. Somewhere along the line, I let peoples expectations of me dictate the kind of person I became. I think it was a slow moving process. But one day you wake up and realize you can't take another goddamn second of it. Needless to say, he has no concept of what I am talking about and just hears a complaining wife.
I don't want to be the type of person who defends myself. I don't want to be in a position to have to do that. I don't want to be around anyone who thinks I am doing it wrong. I am far from perfect. Far far far. But even I in my depressive state know that I am my own worst critic. That is enough, I don't need the people close to me, who are supposed to love and support me, especially the person you marry, judging me. Nope. No siree, don't need that at all.
I know people don't change unless they want to. I know I have changed, first, for the worse, without realizing it, and now, in this new chapter, for the better.
We only have a limited time on this planet and even tomorrow is not guaranteed. I cannot live another second of my old self. I discovered recently that I like saying 'no'. It is so nice to say to the lady down the street, 'No, I can't watch your demonic child for 7 hours while you go to work, No, that won't work for me today'. I like speaking up for myself. The world won't crumble if someone is annoyed with me. I used to have a huge problem with people not liking me. I suspect I will carry that one to my grave, but now, I am coming to terms with me liking myself is way more important. I am not a selfish person, I want to help the people I love and be there for them. I do not however want to help people who mean nothing to me, who expect it and think my time is theirs for the taking. No. Just no.
I don't want to settle. I really most truly want to be around people that get me, and that I in turn get and appreciate as well. I used to have people like that in my life. Somewhere along the line, I lost them.
First things first, it's a job. After 11 years at home I am returning to the work force. I know the odds are stacked against me. It's a shame too, imagine the world discounting all of the knowledge and experience one gains as a mother? Why don't we appreciate this more? I will not give up. I need to work on that focus, and not confuse drive with desperation. People can smell that from a mile away and it won't get me anywhere.
Heading to the post office to send out a bunch of fierce empowered cover letters. Be free my little darlings and go forth with positive energy and opportunity. I am envisioning little letters with wings on them, with golden auras. That should do the trick.