and another thing.

Today, I kept thinking about that movie. I also kept thinking that I was recommending a great movie to absolutely no one in particular as I don't think anyone is actually reading this blog.  I was going to delete it but even that, is kind of silly and pointless. Instead, I just want to talk about that movie. Tonight, I let my son stay up a little later so I could get him to sit close with me on the couch and watch diner's drive ins and dives. It's rare that I get my 11 year old to lean his head on my chest and let me pretend he is just a bit younger. He lets me kiss his head and smell his freshly washed hair. I remember vividly one night when he was like 2 weeks old, when I sat up all night, watching bad TV with him on my chest. I remember telling myself one day he is going to be so big and it's going to be a blink of an eye. It was one of those profound moments you have. Like a notch in time.

Just watching 12 years of lives unfold right before you, it just kind of got to me. I mean, I know it's a movie, but it had that special element, it could even be called a gimmick but it added such a bittersweet tinge to the whole thing. That sweet boy, he just evolved in front of me, and even though I know it goes really fast, to just watch it up there on the screen kind of drove the whole thing home. And just in case anyone is actually reading this, I won't give away too many details(not that there were any shocking moments, it was more of a glimpse into a family's life) but I really relate to Patricia Arquette's speech in the end where she realizes that her kids are grown and that's kind of it. It really is the blink of a flipping eye. 

I have really been feeling that pressure lately, that pressure to make something of the time I have left. That quote I see on fb, attributed to Buddha, about how you think you have more time than you do. Ugh. It's kind of ruining my present for me as I feel like I really need to get my ass out in the world and go make some kind of difference. 

Motherhood has kicked my ass ten ways til Tuesday. But it's time for me to stop hiding. And I need to really be in the moment, especially when it comes to my son.

When things are crappy, as they kind of are for me right now, I really want to make it better now. I want this feeling, these feelings to go the fuck away. Honestly though, it does not work that way. Change is a process that you can't rush.You can't wish those icky feelings away, instead, I need to look that tiger in the eye. Stare it down. Feel the feels. I have been reminding myself of that when I start to freak out and think that things are never going to change and I am just going to sit here and be stuck. I have already changed so much in the last few months, I need to remind myself of that too.

Anyhoo, if anyone is actually reading, go carve out some time for yourself and see that movie. It was like watching a really good book unfold before your eyes.