Lift that rock up for me so I can crawl under it.

I had a job interview today. After 11 years basically at home, with the exception of a bullshit part time job here and there, I had an interview for a real job. I submitted my resume on the online teacher database for my state, and low and behold, right out of the gate, I landed myself an interview. I did not need any favors called in, any friend of a friend to put in a good word, or hand in my resume. I got it all on my own.

I spent the last 2 weeks mentally rehearsing all the platitudes of life I would spout. Profound yet no nonsense was the angle I was going for. I am a good teacher, and I would have been really good at this  job. It was not an easy one, and it was not a high paying, tenure track job, but it would have been a great way for me to get my feet wet so to speak. There was a panel, 4 people.  They did not ask me any hard or unusual questions. Yet for some reason, all of the philosophies of life I spouted to myself on the long drives in the car last week seemed to evaporate from my brain and all that came out was blah blah blah blah blah. Even as it was coming out of my mouth, I knew it was not the way I intended it. Why did I choke? Why did I act like someone who had no teaching experience, or life experience or even any kind of brain?

Maybe I am not as ready as I thought I was . Maybe my confidence is not where it should be. I used to be a lot more confident. Being at home for 11 years, gaining weight, frumpified and somewhat isolated is not good for your ego. I need to work on that. I know one day I can use this horrid experience to my advantage. Just not today. Today I want to take my bra off, put on my jammies and go watch 'Don't beTardy to the Party' with  a bag of chips in my room.

I sat on a hiring committee a couple of months ago as parent member, we hired a high school special ed Social Studies teacher. I felt so bad for the candidates who had to endure that. I think what made me choke is knowing that these people who interviewed me were going to spend the next 15 minutes after I left ripping me apart. I think, no, I know, that is the part that I must get over.  If I can be strong enough to not let that rattle me, I will be ok.

When I left, the one teacher to my right made eye contact with the principal on my left. She made a face, it was not a good face and it was about me. I wanted to say then and there, 'um, lady, I can see you'. I made it out to my car and proceeded to sob like a pathetic sad sack.

In the big picture, it's a blip on the radar, one of life's lessons. My son asked me how it went and after I told him , he said 'that's ok, you will get another chance, was it something you loved to do?' That was  good question. I am not entirely sure that was the job for me, and perhaps the universe has some other plans for me.