Friday, August 15, 2014

Life Lesson of the Week: How to Suck at a Job Interview.

When someone asks what you can bring to the job, be as vague as possible. Leave out as many details of all the things you have accomplished over the last 20 years. Disregard the work experience that has prepared you for the job. Do not even consider the life experience that you bring to the table. Stuttering and stammering is a great accompaniment to this.

Trembling hands are a nice touch. As is dry mouth.

Try not to include how you work well under pressure and can motivate even the most unmotivatable of people.
Don't come across as capable, instead, it is wise to just keep your mouth moving and  make as little sense as possible.

Don't hand out a hard copy of your resume either. You know, the ones you spent 20 dollars copying at office max the day before.

Make sure you are self depreciating. And make sure you use the word 'actually' at least 25 times.

When they ask you what your strengths and weaknesses are, make extra sure to spend more time talking about your weaknesses. Have at least 3 to discuss. Go on a little longer than you think is adequate. If you dare come up with a strength, it should be of indeterminate origin and not a really useful one for the job.

Try not to give specific examples at how you would act at this job. Try not to give the impression that you would be capable.

On the way out, don't look at the table of people who just asked you all those questions. Whatever you do, don't shake anyone's hands.

For a follow up, don't send a thank you note.

Spend the rest of the week mentally punching yourself in the throat and reliving each and every question and wondering what the hell happened to your brain.

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